The Mighty Puffer Fish

Greetings fellow sojourners, I hope your life is trending in the right direction.   This week’s post will hopefully challenge you to look at people in a different light.  Let me set the stage for you.  Yesterday I had the privilege of watching my daughter perform in the street (ok, get your mind out of the gutter).  My daughter, who is ten, belongs to a talented choir and they were invited to perform a few songs downtown to raise cash for some good cause or another.  So there was Sarah and the rest of the girls singing absolutely beautiful songs (I am completely objective) in the street while shoppers and strollers passed by.

As I stood and watched, I suddenly noticed what can only be described as a couple of “bangers” headed our way.  What’s a “banger”?  Let me describe him.  He was a big dude that had obviously spent a considerable amount of time in the gym.  He had muscles on his muscles.  His arms, legs and neck were completely tattooed, as was each knuckle.  The last tattoo, however, is what made me think this guy was probably a hard core gang banger.  He had a teardrop tattooed under one of his eyes.   Here is the Wikipedia definition of a teardrop tattoo:

• The teardrop tattoo or tear tattoo is a symbol that is placed underneath the eye. It has no fixed meaningbut almost all meanings have some connection to prison.
• In the United States, it can mean the wearer has killed someone.
• ^·The number of teardrops may indicate the number of years spent in prison, or the number of times the wearer was raped
• It may also indicate the loss of a loved one or fellow gang member

The Big Guy had the walk of a man who was basically daring you to confront him.  Watching him approach gave you the sense he was hoping someone would look at him the wrong way so he would have a reason to instigate a confrontation.  He walked slowly with his chest stuck out and his head tilted slightly up.  In his posse were his right hand man (the lackey) and a few girls. His lackey was saying something to him but the Big Guy had suddenly heard the choir which now drew his complete attention.

“Beautiful,” he said more to himself than his peeps.  The Big Guy held up his hand indicating to his posse he wanted quiet.  He was now watching the choir intently and slowly strolling past me.

A quick side note – I have a habit of approaching and engaging people who I am afraid of, which I now did.

“C’mon man, don’t be shy.  Feel free to step up and sing along.” I joked.

He smiled but most of his attention was transfixed on the choir.

“I’m good,” he said with a laugh.

“Which would you rather do…step up there and sing, or take on a small army?”

He laughed and admitted, “I’d take on an army.”

He was completely focused on the choir now but mv comments had caused him to stop absentmindedly and stand there. His peeps weren’t all that impressed with the choir but since he was the alpha dog they patiently waited next to him.   The choir finished the song and proceeded on to a solo sung by a girl who has an amazing voice.   She began to sing a beautiful and somewhat sad song.  While her powerful voice carried down the street I studied the Big Man closely (he was now standing right next to me) and watching him, I started to feel a very strong sadness come over me (I often intuitively pick up other’s feelings as if they were my own).  The girl kept singing and the Big Guy kept staring, and now I actually had tears in my eyes (luckily I had sunglasses on).

The Big Guy looked like he was in a trance, standing stalk-still with a faraway look on his face.  He was clearly lost in a powerful emotional moment.   He remained that way for about a minute and then suddenly shook his head side to side, as you would if you were trying to clear your head of a bad thought.  He did this while saying, “Let’s get out of here before I start crying,” but the tone of his voice did not betray his real feelings. It came out more as a sarcastic quip than a heartfelt comment.  He said it with a laugh and his peeps instantly joined in the laughter right on cue. But I wasn’t fooled; the Big Guy had been close to tears.

He turned away from the choir and continued his slow, menacing shuffle down the street.  Watching him go, I was reminded of the mighty puffer fish. A puffer fish, as we all know, is actually a small defenseless fish that, when threatened, swells to five times its size in an attempt to dissuade would-be aggressors. Our Big Man had the urban equivalent of the “puffer fish defense”.

I thought he was probably, under all that ink, a very sensitive guy.  Think about how inconvenient that must have been for him.  I am guessing he grew up in a violent world and being sensitive would have been TERRYFYING.  What would his options be as a child?  If he cried and cowered expressing his true inner feelings, he would have been eaten alive in the street; so he had been forced to puff up.  That, I believe, was the game the Big Man had learned way back in the day, probably as a very small child.  The swagger, the menacing look and all those tats were part of a puffer fish strategy meant to protect him from being hurt.   Make no mistake – I am sure on any given day the Big Man could bring the pain and become your worst nightmare, but on this day, for one moment, I thought I caught a glimpse of the sensitive soul underneath.  Stand down mighty puffer fish.

Trust Your Dreams

I know I promised a video blog this week but I got a question from a reader and I love to answer questions.   Let’s get to it.

QUESTION

This Adult dream is exactly the same as mine (Tim’s note – he is referring to my dream where my wife keeps leaving me which can be read here http://motivationaccordingtohoyle.wordpress.com/2012/04/10/dream-interpretations/)!! However mine goes a little deeper and I think I know my trigger. Before my wife and I were married, we did break up once. She broke it off saying she did not love me anymore. During our separation she became close to a friend of mine, and at one time I saw them out at a club together. I had a small breakdown about it and felt they had both betrayed me. We eventually got back together after a few months and years later were married and we now have a beautiful daughter and a healthy relationship, however the thought of this old friend (who I have since disowned) still haunts me from time to time, and I believe when I think or see his name referenced I can only help think of that time, and I’m sure that’s when I have these dreams. What can I do to let go?? I feel it has changed me forever and I have trust issues with people.

 

ANSWER

Thank you for the question and let me start by congratulating you on your relationship success.  How cool to see you ended up together after all that.  In order to answer your question I need to go a little deeper into my dream.   While it is true that my wife dumped me three times while we were dating and I felt utterly helpless when it happened I believe my issue goes all the way back to childhood.  While my parent’s divorce contributed, an even bigger issue was the emotional availability of my mother.  She would blow hot and cold (gee, that sounds familiar).  When she was “up” the good times would roll but when she took a turn toward the dark side her kids would be left out in the emotional cold.

Fast forward to meeting my wife.  As we went through the tumultuous dating years my deep-seated fear got a chance to play out in the real world and, low and behold, I actually got to face my fear head on.  Even today, when Lynn and I fight, I feel the fear raise its ugly head and, as always, it is an opportunity for me to face it (more on this when we get to you).   In those moments I can actually feel the anxiety and the feelings of abandonment. If I chase Lynn around and try to make her soothe my anxiety it makes it worse.  If I step back, stop trying to force Lynn to behave in a certain way and simply speak my truth and let her abandon me in the moment, it breaks the spell.

Your story is pretty incredible and the sense of betrayal you felt must have been overwhelming. I bet you are a very loyal person.  In fact, the truth could be that you never saw this betrayal coming. I remember once sitting with a friend at a bar who was going through a divorce.  His wife had cheated on him and when he found out and confronted his wife, she said, “Yes, I don’t love you anymore and want a divorce.”

Ouch.  So we were sitting at the bar and he was SHOCKED, but as we continued to talk it became clear that no one else in his circle of friends were shocked or surprised.   He was the only one who couldn’t see it.  He was a very nice, gentle, trusting guy and he never suspected people would behave that way.   He is now remarried, doing much better and his eyes remain wide open.

As for you, you now have your eyes wide open.  The world can be a scary place when your eyes are wide open.  But it is the same world you lived in before when your eyes were closed; exactly the same.   Here is what I believe is one of the great paradoxes of adult life.   How can we continue to live a life of purpose and belief even though our life experiences will teach us that purpose and belief might be incredibly misguided at best and utterly meaningless at worst?

My Advice

Your dream and your trust issues are here to stay and I think that is a good thing.  If you are a loyal person that is GREAT but don’t give it away blindly because there are people that will gladly take advantage of it; that’s a fact.  The path to letting go is through your fear not away from it.   You have already walked through the fire of betrayal and, not only come out the other side wiser, but stronger.  In other words, you are tough and can take it!

Your experiences and your dreams are reminders to you that your loyalty and trust should not just be given away like Quaaludes at a Dead concert. You got burned and your body remembers that and wants to take the necessary precautions so you don’t get burned again.

You can’t bury the fear because it will get stronger.  The way to learn to let it go is to work with the fear.  It is not a bad fear, it is just a reminder for you to stay awake and to be more discerning with people.  At the same time you must realize that it will cloud your judgment and sometimes unfairly cast others in a suspicious light (what we call “seeing ghosts”).   The more you bury the feelings the more ghosts you will see.   For you it is important to tell your truth to others.  Take ownership of your loyalty.  If you have reservations about certain people in your life, you need to talk to them directly and honesty about it.

Remember though, this is not about them, this is about you.  You must enter into these conversations owning your fear.  If you come into these conversations fearful of what you will find out or demanding that the other person behave in a particular way to help you feel better, you will make it worse.    Instead you must enter into these conversations owning your fear.  What does that mean?

There was an interview once with a combat veteran of WWII.  He was a decorated soldier known for being incredibly cool under fire.  When the interviewer asked him how he was able to remain so calm under such adverse conditions he said, “It’s easy, I just pretended I was already dead.”

That is the way you must enter into these trust conversations.  If you enter into them carrying your fear and accusations you will reap that which you are trying to avoid.  You will cause others in your life to become tired of having to behave in specific ways to help you feel better.  You must tell the truth to those whose trust and loyalty is important to you but you must do so having already faced your fear.  You must have this conversation “pretending that they have already betrayed you”.   This will create the emotional space from which they can tell the truth because they will not fear upsetting you since having faced your fear already; there is nothing for you to fear.

Remember, you are a courageous, forgiving person with a huge heart as your past indicates.  Keep your eyes wide open so as to see clearly, but love from that place inside yourself that wants to trust everyone. Live the paradox.

Cause and Effect

Hey Now.   I have been riding the depression side of the Bi-Polar trough the last few weeks and it has been a bumpy ride.   The ride has been so bumpy my brain has been frantically and feverishly searching for a solution or way back to the high side (without medication or a direct message from God).    Then yesterday as I was mowing the lawn while crying (I think of it as emotional sweating) I had this really cool thought that got me laughing (Imagine my neighbors watching me mowing the lawn alternatively crying then laughing…let’s just say we don’t get a lot of barbecue invitations).

The thought centered on this whole idea of cause and effect.  I consider humans as basically animals who are in the infancy of conscious thought.  Our behaviors are more instinctual as opposed to logical thoughts and actions.   I think it is comforting to think of us as conscious creatures living a thoughtful life making decisions based on character, integrity and beliefs but it’s just not true.  If you doubt me, try changing any of your ingrained habits and see how that goes.   And of course, I have the worst habits for anyone so most of my day is spent looking for ways to overcome my own limitations.  I do this by thinking about connecting everyday behaviors and personality traits with the underlying instinctual objective the body is trying to accomplish…cause and effect (I know, I could also just clean the garage and probably feel better).

Ok, back to yesterday.   So there I was mowing the lawn with tears streaming down my face all the while wondering what is wrong with me when suddenly this thought hit me.  Perhaps there was nothing wrong with me.  Perhaps I have a powerful personality that has been wildly successful for hundreds of thousands of years.

This thought begets the next.  If that were true; if we are essentially still animals operating from a far more instinctual blue print, what are the possible advantages of all these perceived psychological afflictions?  How could Bipolar or depression be helpful in any way?  And that’s when the thought hit me so hard it made me laugh.

Bipolar would be an awesome personality trait for a hunter/gather society.   Back then your entire world was unknown and dangerous.  There was a daily life and death struggle going on; one of staying put or exploring for better food resources.   Obviously staying put would be safer.   As long as we have food we can stay in one place.  But eventually our food would run out; maybe not today or tomorrow but some day in the future.  We need to keep looking for more food.  But venturing into unknown territory could get you killed INSTANTLY.

How do you get humans to risk their lives venturing into unknown lands when they currently have enough food and water?    You do that BY MAKING THEM MISERABLE.

Enter the bipolar personality.   Bipolar people need constant stimulation and newness even if their current world is good.  Without newness they slip into depression.  So in essence the more I stay put the more depressed I get.  The cure to my depression is to EXPLORE.  My brain is wired to think the solution to this horrible feeling I have is over the next figurative hill.     That is basically what bipolar does to me.  It makes me feel terrible if I try and sit still or settle for the status quo.  Even though I am safe here with all that I need right now, It tempts me with the thought that there is something better just over the next hill.  If I read the next book, take the next seminar or glean another insight I can relive myself of this horrible feeling.  When I am marching over the next hill I feel GREAT even if what is over the next hill kills me.  I am wired to EXPLORE!  This is what got me laughing.

Nature sends out never ending strategies to further evolution. Humans are a cooperative species.  We will rise or fall in cooperation.  I was born with the explorer personality.  That is my job.  It may kill me or it may he discover new resources but that is my mission.

As an explorer of ideas then, here is my request to my fellow humans.  I need help in mapping the territory.  I need more data points.

Think about your personality from a big picture.  What ancient problem are you trying to solve?  How do your motivations tie into the grand scheme of insuring survival for the human race?  Think about it as if it were hundreds of thousands of years ago.   Pay attention to what a makes you feel good?  What are you naturally motivated to do?  What depresses you?  These are the clues.

Share your thoughts and come up with a description of your personality.  I came up with explorer, what is yours?

Stay tuned: next week our first VIDEO BLOG!

Digging In the Dirt

Another fascinating week in the life of yours truly; this week included cross-country flights to Manhattan, another spectacular Donnybrook with my business partner and a night spent in the Terminal at JFK.  It has been brought to my attention this week that perhaps I am not the most positive person.  In just the last week alone I have been told:

“There is not a lot of joy in your columns” – by a loyal blog reader

“You are hard to be around sometimes” – by my wife

“Tomorrow could be a tough day with you” – by my son

“You are sick.  You won’t even help yourself.  Everything is always negative with you and you just feel sorry for yourself” – from my business partner.

That last comment from my business partner came on the heels of a very difficult, very intense “come to Jesus” meeting we had between the two of us that I initiated (shocker).   The next day he called me and said, “I don’t want to do that anymore.  I don’t want to talk to each other like that anymore; it’s not worth it for me.  I woke up feeling bad about myself and I don’t want to feel that way.”

I will agree that my business partner doesn’t deserve all that grief but my thought when he told me about not wanting to feel so bad was this, “Maybe you should.”

Obviously my mind has a negative slant to it and my brain chemistry borders on suicidal on a good day but I am convinced the sole purpose in life is this – to grow!  We must all grow.  Look around you on this planet and every form of life has one choice and one choice only-  grow or die.

Not only that but I tend to think of human beings as a COLLECTIVE species (which is ironic since I am such a narcissist.)  I see us more from this perspective:

I think of people like we are EXPERIMENTS in the game of evolution.   In much the same way the animal kingdom keeps spitting out random mutations (cockroaches and sharks seem to be quite successful/dinosaurs and Tea Party candidates not so much) our species spits out random personalities.  Our personalities are the equivalent of survival mutations in the animal kingdom.  Animals have tried wings, stripes, shells, and so forth and we are trying optimism, pessimism, nurturing, assertiveness and so on.

And not only are our personalities random survival mutations but I think of the environment we live in no different from the environment early humans lived in.  Back then you could be a flourishing tribe when a sudden climate change dried up your watering hole and your tribe succumbs to nature faster than you can say global warming.  I think of the economy as the same thing.   One day we are all working and buying survival necessities (like iPhones and Gucci bags) and suddenly, like a dried up watering hole, the economy tips over and we find ourselves unemployed with no ability to pay for expanded cable.

Sure, not a very cheerful way to look at the world but that’s the whole point, in the long run (and it is a marathon) my personality may not prove to be all that useful and  I become another failed mutation.

However, I am willing to go out on a limb and say the personality that is forever positive and trusting might not be the most successful either.  In fact it is the flaw in your personality, the rigidness of any one trait, that will cause you endless grief and consternation.

I don’t care if you are assertive, analytical nurturing, impulsive, deliberate, cautious or flexible, at some point you will find the limitation of your personality if you are lucky enough to live that long.  And when you find that limitation it will usually come with a negative feeling (be it depression or anxiety) to alert you of the fact.  You can embrace that feeling, admit it to yourself, and dig deep to see what is underneath or you can ignore those feelings and keep chasing what makes you happy.

As always, the illusion of choice is yours.

See Me

Hi all, a short column today because most of this week has been dedicated to my nervous breakdown.   However, last Thursday I got thrown a lifeline.  A real pick-me-up and all I had to do was stop worrying about my own life for a few moments to see the other person sitting right in front of me.

Last week I had been onsite training at a company.  It was grinding work with people that were burned out, overwhelmed and mostly didn’t want to be there (wow, felt just like childhood).  I survived the two days (barely), stepped outside and hailed a cab.  I was free.  Usually when I get in the cab the LAST thing I want to do is to speak to anyone, so I was praying I didn’t get a talkative cab driver.

I got in and said, “LAX”. The cabbie nodded and off we went (which means we sat in traffic). After a few minutes I asked the driver if he minded if I opened the window and he replied in broken English, “its ok to open window.”

For the first time I looked up at him. There was something in his tone of voice that caught my curiosity. His voice came out quietly with a gentle tone; he was an immigrant from somewhere in the Far East. He sat erect in the driver’s seat, both hands on the wheel (at 10 and 2) with an air of conscientiousness about him. I tried to get him talking.

“Where are you from?”

“Korea.”

“North or South?” This got a laugh from him as it was obviously a stupid question.

“South,” was all he said.

I tried to match his energy, slowing down my pace and speaking in softer tones. I began mixing in some questions with observations about the traffic.

“Is it always this packed?” Another laugh from him.

“You must be very patient to do this for a living.” This got a big laugh, a vigorous nod of the head followed by a long smile.

I didn’t pepper him with questions or nonstop chatter. After each question or statement I let several minutes of silence pass. He appeared to be very shy, cautious and GENTLE.

I then asked, “Has it been hard to learn the language?” This was met with a long pause, as if he were weighing options in his head. I thought I had spooked him into silence when suddenly he reached over, opened his glove compartment, took out a very old and very battered Korean to English dictionary and handed it to me.

We both burst out laughing because it was obvious by looking at the condition of the book he had been wearing the thing out.

He then told me how difficult it was for him to learn English and about how frustrated he becomes because he cannot express himself properly. As we talked and laughed he would occasionally ask me the meaning of a word I had just used.  When he spoke I often had to ask him to repeat himself several times since it was hard to understand him, but neither of us cared.  He had lost all of his concerns about how he might be viewed by a native English speaker and I was in awe with the incredibly gentle and thoughtful nature of this man driving the cab.

He began handing me different books written in Korean; books on philosophy and religion.  He told me in life his intent was to “Walk heartily” which when I pressed him meant, “To live life with meaning.”

We arrived at the airport and he was all smiles now. I told him to keep working on his English because he had so much to offer others. As I got out of the cab we exchanged names, then he stuck his hand out the passenger window inviting me to shake it. As I grabbed his hand he put both hands on mine and said my name again, “Tim.”

I laughed and told him to take care. What happened next will stay with me for a long while. He didn’t immediately drive away but just sat parked at the curb smiling and waving through the window.  It was that smile that got me.  It was a life-affirming smile of pure happiness, the kind of happiness we both felt because somehow the connection we had made had reaffirmed for both of us that life still had meaning.

I can’t explain it any clearer than that.  Our paths crossed and even though we were separated by language, race and role we had managed to see beyond the images we donned in our day-to-day life.  We had shed our personas of Self-Important Businessman and Immigrant Cabbie and connected as two humans on the journey of life.   It was a gift and reminder for us both.

Walk heartily, my friends.

Random Thoughts

Good day to you all.  A rugged week for yours truly.  A deep dive into depression, the kind where I found myself gritting my teeth and counting minutes.  This week we let the emotional circuitry cool down and stick with a few Random Thoughts:

Interesting story out of Rutgers University – the men’s basketball coach was fired because he was caught on video abusing his players.  He was swearing at them, calling them derogatory names, throwing basketballs at them and grabbing them by the shirt during practice.  What is interesting to me however was this clip of him apologizing to news reporters.  Watch this video clip:

http://espn.go.com/new-york/mens-college-basketball/story/_/id/9128825/rutgers-scarlet-knights-fire-coach-mike-rice-wake-video-scandal

You will see the perfect apology.  Notice the body language, the words he uses, the pauses and the overall contriteness of his words.  Brilliant.   What I learned while watching the video:

• The man is extremely skilled socially (notice the subtle pauses where he looks like he wants to defend himself then falls on his sword and simply admits that he is wrong and will nobly just admit fault.  BRILLIANT!   Sociopathic personalities are very good at adopting the perfect emotional pitch on command without ever actually believing what they are saying)
• He is highly motivated by status (notice the mention of his embarrassment to his family, another trait for sociopaths)
• Think about his apology for a minute.  He has run practices the same way for years and now suddenly he realizes it is wrong and an embarrassment to his family?!?   Not likely.   What is more likely; he has been presented with the following problem:

1. Caught on video looking like a complete ass
2. Fired from a high-profile job
3. Has a big ego
4. Must get another job someday

Put that all together and you get the perfect apology.  In no way do I believe he is a changed man but I do believe he will work again and figure out a better way to not get caught.

In other sports news, Brian Banks was just reinstated in the NFL.  Brian, at age 18 was a star athlete headed for a career as a pro football player.  He was falsely accused of rape and sent to prison for 5 years.  He fell into a deep depression and in order to preserve his sanity he had to “let go of certain dreams and goals.”  This is one of the main purposes of depression.   A body gets depressed because it is carrying too much mental and emotional weight and the internal resources can’t cope for very long which leads to exhaustion and depression..  Depression forces the person to reprioritize their life and let go of dreams, goals, people and the like.  Items must be sacrificed if survival is to continue.   Think of a life raft that is sinking.  In the lifeboat you have food, water, a job you hate, a friend you kind of like,  your family (spouse and 2 kids) and a dream of someday traveling the world.  You have to get rid of 2 items or the boat sinks.  Which two items will you let go of? That is what depression forces you to do – reevaluate, prioritize and let go of stuff no longer mission critical.

Read a great book on addictions – Memoirs of an Addicted Brain by Marc Lewis and one powerful concept from the book was this – shame and guilt are an absolutely toxic emotions and one quick way to relive feelings of shame and guilt is to abandon self-control.  Abandoning self-control immediately relieves feelings of shame and guilt which means drugs are a great short-term solution.  Not long-term of course, but think of teenage brains and whether or not they think short or long-term?   Raising our kids through shame and guilt are setting them up for possible drug addictions.

Great Book, Monogamy – The Untold Story by Marianne Brandon.  Here are some quotes:

• Attachment theory conceptualizes adult intimate behavior as the by-product of early attachment relationships with primary caregivers.
• Attachment is the experience of longer-term bonding with another in a nurturing, safe, stable, loving connection. It is this stage that couples transition into if/when the exciting lustful attraction phase comes to an end, which according to one MRI study it seems to do for about 90 percent of couples.
• I tell my patients that if they are loving well, their relationship will occasionally bring them to their knees. People with secure attachment are more likely to tolerate this level of tension.
• Maturity allows people to show up and be seen more fully, as well as see their partners for who they are-both their light and dark sides.
• Our ability to know and love ourselves is necessary for enjoying a deep passionate connection with another.
• When couples are in a long-term relationship, less dopamine may be released during sex because making love can become routine.
• Men have more brain space devoted to sex, while women have more brain space devoted to emotions and language.  Okay, not a great revelation here.
• Thus it becomes clearer why, when women feel stressed or challenged by life, they may prioritize their children over their romantic relationships. However, when men become more stressed by life, they are more likely to find a haven in sex. – TATOO THIS ON YOUR FOREHEAD IF YOU MUST

That’s it for this week.   Hang tough people.   I will leave you with a quote my grandfather use to say when he caught me moping around….”Timmy, just remember, it’s always darkest before it’s completely black.” – Good times.

The Culture Club

Today’s blog readers should be warned that if you are still basking in the warm glow from attending Easter Mass this blog post is not for you. I suppose it is high time for me to admit that I am not a religious person.  In fact, I consider all religions to be some form of a cult.  Today’s post, however, is not an indictment of religion for 2 reasons:

1. I don’t want all those god fearing people to come burn down my house to help me understand forgiveness and God’s healing power.
2. There is a bigger, crazier, more powerful cult we need to tackle.

What cult is that you say?   What cult could be crazier and more powerful than religion? What cult is more prevalent than religion?  It is the nuclear family.  The family you grew up in is by far the most powerful cult you will experience in your lifetime.

Today’s column is actually going to help those families that want to raise their children to be good little cult followers. Today’s column is going to help any family anywhere who wants to raise your child to live based on your values and principles.  However, this column might also convince you to do the exact opposite.

Let’s first define the characteristics of a cult and see if the nuclear family constitutes a cult.  Here is the FBI’ definition of cult characteristics.  Go through and check the ones that apply to your family:

•  Questioning, doubt, and dissent are discouraged or even punished (Every parent has said the following sentence many, many times, “Because I told you to, that’s why!”).
• ‪ The leadership dictates, sometimes in great detail, how members should think, act, and feel; (this is so patently obvious I have nothing to add).
• ‪ The group is elitist, claiming a special, exalted status for itself, its leader(s) and members (how many f@*#ing times do we hear this EVERY DAY, “I have to do what’s right for my family”).
• ‪ The group has a polarized us-versus-them mentality, which may cause conflict with the wider society (my neighbor once complained to my mom that our cat was going to the bathroom in his yard.  THE CAT!  He woke up the next day to find his house covered in eggs.  Hmmmm…who could have done that?).
• ‪ The leader is not accountable to any authorities (Classic Dad quote – “When you pay the bills then you can have a say”)
• ‪ The group teaches or implies that its supposedly exalted ends justify whatever means it deems necessary. This may result in members’ participating in behaviors or activities they would have considered reprehensible or unethical before joining the group (What was the exalted status your family preached?  Mine was that we were a special family in the eyes of god…yikes!  Yours could be wealth, winning, achieving, toughness or saving the planet)
• ‪ The leadership induces feelings of shame and/or guilt in order to influence and/or control members. (Hi Mom).
• ‪ Subservience to the leader or group requires members to cut ties with family and friends, and radically alter the personal goals and activities they had before joining the group (Let’s just say I didn’t visit too many mosques or synagogues.  Heck, we weren’t even allowed to watch the news!).
• ‪ The group is preoccupied with bringing in new members (ok, I had the big snip done so this one is gonna take some creative thinking). 
• ‪ The group is preoccupied with making money (LOL!!!!!!  Welcome to America).
• ‪ Members are expected to devote inordinate amounts of time to the group and group-related activities (NOOOOOOO…not another family vacation).
• ‪ Members are encouraged or required to live and/or socialize only with other group members (And I have the scars to prove it.  Thanks Bro.)
• ‪ The most loyal members (the “true believers”) feel there can be no life outside the context of the group. They believe there is no other way to be, and often fear reprisals to themselves or others if they leave (see next paragraph).

As you read through the list maybe you are thinking my comparison of family life to cults is extreme.  But think about it another way.  Think about how your family looked and felt from the eyes of a child.   Think about the time between birth and 7 years old when 90% of our emotional imprinting will be PERMENTLY laid down (and that’s a conservative estimate).  Now go back and read though that list again.  Hmmm…how might that feel to a young child?

When a  child is born it MUST get care and feeding from the adults and to do that it must conform.  It does this by reading, internalizing and prioritizing the emotional patterns that exist in the family.   Remember too that every emotion we feel is communicated to our children.  Not by words or scripture but by the facial expression, by tones in our voice and by where we give our attention.  This is what gets unconsciously imprinted on the child.  So every small child will feel like it is life or death to get the approval and attention of the leadership of the cult and failing to do so will leave you vulnerable to death and dismemberment in a big fat scary world.

That’s a cult folks.  Most parents have deep beliefs about how the world works and what behaviors will lead to happiness, success, status, and glory and what behaviors will lead to shame, guilt, failure and destruction (or what I called 7^th grade gym class).

This all came to mind this week when I stopped by to catch a few innings of a local little league game.  I was watching the game when a 13 year old boy came out of the dug-out to bat.  As the boy was waiting on deck to hit, his dad was watching intently from the other said of the fence.   I had never seen the Dad before but just looking at him here is what I guessed at.  The dad seemed to be a very hard man; someone who grew up poor, in a blue collar environment where hard work, toughness and perseverance were required to fit in and have some success.

As his son stood there waiting to hit the Dad barked at him, “Hey, no walks.  You go up there to hit, understand?”   His voice was menacing and intimidating.  There was an emotional tone that made it clear that ignoring the dad’s instructions would not be a wise choice.   The kid got up there and right away took a hack at the first pitch singling to right field.

The next batter is now up as the dad’s kid stands on first base.  The new batter hits a soft pop fly to shallow right field and the blue collar dad’s kid is caught in a dilemma at first.  If he runs to second and the ball is caught he will have run himself into a double play.  If he stays at first and the ball drops he might not make it to second base in time.  He decides to play it safe and wait at first.  The ball drops and the kid is thrown out trying to get to second.

The kid runs back to the dug-out and the dad is now FURIOUS!  He walks down to the field and standing next to the dug-out he tells the next batter on deck to have his kid, “get his ass out here.”  His kid comes out of the dug-out with a look on his face of a dog that just peed on the carpet and knows what is coming.

“WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?”  The dad is yelling at him now.   “YOU GET TO SECOND BASE!  THAT”S NOT HOW I TAUGHT YOU TO PLAY THIS GAME!”  “WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?”

The kid, meanwhile, has assumed the perfect body language of someone who is routinely abused and knows there is no escape from the wrath of his dad.  His best strategy is to try and offer as little resistance as possible because this is the fastest way through.  His head is down and shoulders are slouched.  He digs a foot in the dirt and the look on his face is one of shame.   In essence his body has assumed the strategy of, “I am worthless and you are mighty.  Your anger is well placed and I will try harder next time.  Please spare me.”   As you watch the scene play out you can feel the boy eating the guilt, shame, fear and anger.  He is in survival mode and all these emotions must be stuffed and dealt with later when it’s safe.  Now is not the time.

I am not judging the dad.  I am sure for him there were intense feelings of love, embarrassment, and a desire to toughen his kid up because in his world that is what it takes to be a man.  In other words, the Dad was pissed because that is not how cult members behave.

If you read this and are thinking, “Wow, what a messed up dad,” you’re missing the point.  We have all been raised in some similar fashion.  We either got positive attention or negative attention every day based on what we did and how it related to our parents view of the world.   Maybe not as harshly or even in a negative fashion but we were all conditioned to adhere to the cult of the family and the dogma our family lived each and every day. More importantly, if you have kids you are doing the same.   Not even on purpose or with bad intent.

Think about this story.  Several years ago I decided I needed to clean up my front yard lest my neighbors think me a degenerate (In the sub-burbs if you want to really get to know someone check out their backyard).  I decided to pony up about $10,000 to have a landscaper create the illusion that I was a normal neighbor.  Once that was done Lynn and I tried to do a better job of caring for the yard.  On this particular day my wife and I are out working in the yard, me in the back and Lynn in the front.

My daughter, who was about 3 years old at the time, was also out in the front yard helping Lynn pull weeds.  Great, except to a 3 year old, weeding looks like pulling random plants from the ground.  She can’t tell a Chinese Starburst from a Creeping Charlie so she is simply reaching over and yanking the plant nearest to her from the ground which happened to be a tulip.

At the exact moment she is playing god with the tulip’s life I am rounding the corner of the house lost in my own thoughts.   I was stressing about money and berating myself for being a rotten homeowner.  I see Sarah pulling the tulip from the ground and I snap at her, “SARAH – NO!”  My daughter freezes, caught completely flat footed.  She was out enjoying helping her mom, completely relaxed and when she least expected it….BAM!  I blasted her.

She sat stalk still for a few seconds as her lip quivered. You could see her cycle through options quickly.  She has been scared badly and hurt.  Her instincts tell her to run and hide but she is being overwhelmed by her emotions and there is not enough time to get away before….”WAAAAAHHHHH”.

The tears begin to flow and Lynn and I cannot calm her down.  She cries and cries and cries.  This one landed deep.  There is nothing to be done but wait her out and console her as best we can.   Sarah just got a lesson in the cult of the Hoyle Family.  She learned that at any given minute trouble can come from someone you least expected it and it you best not let your guard down, which, by the way, is her Dad’s general outlook on life.  To this day Sarah HATES crying.  She will get VERY ANGRY trying to ward off the tears before she give s into crying of any kind.   I’m not saying it’s my fault,  I’m just saying me capping on her probably didn’t help .

Of course I didn’t mean it and it was a very human interaction which is why I tell it because these episodes are out of our control.   If you are a typical parent then these moments occur over and over again in the family, positive and negative, over and over, like a cult brainwashing their members until they are fully indoctrinated.   Another example – my son, who pitches, can serve up a ball that gets hit so hard it might be sitting in your back yard right now.  When I talk to him after the game I talk about how courageous he is for continuing to compete even after getting a ball crushed because results don’t matter as much as how you go about it.  But another Dad might talk to him about how he lost the game and losing is bad. He might say you need to be more focused or work harder because your team is depending on you.  Neither Dad is inherently right or wrong…just different cult leaders.

Ok, you say.  I get it.  My family is a cult but what can I do about it?  I am glad you asked.  We can help our kids leverage their cult experience  by explaining to them that their family life is only one, very small, very limited view of the world.  We can encourage them to take the family lessons and go build on them.    We, in essence, must deprogram our children or they will do it themselves.  Here are the steps, again from the FBI, on how to deprogram cult members.

1. Discredit the figure of authority: the cult leader
2. Present  contradictions (ideology versus reality): “How can he preach love  when he exploits people?” is an example.
3. The  breaking point: When a subject begins to listen to the deprogrammer; when      reality begins to take precedence over ideology.
4. Self-expression: When the subject begins to open up and voice gripes against the cult.
5. Identification  and transference: when the subject begins to identify with the      deprogrammers, starts to think of him- or herself as an opponent of the cult rather than a member of it.

Look at his list again.  This is the list of how one breaks free of cult programing but I like to call it something else; I like to call it the teen-age years. This is what adolescence is programmed to do.  The child inherits the DNA from the parents and then based on the current environment they will undergo genetic mutations (a perfect description of adolescence) as the environment turns on and off different gene sequences.

Your kids will leave the cult one way or another and then spend the next 20 years trying to unpack all those feelings and impressions they stored away. I want my kids to know the cult they were raised in so they can see it clearly and decide for themselves what to keep and what to discard because they will do that any way, with or without me.

As your child comes of age he or she will slowly spends less time in the family cult and more time in environments outside the home (what the deprogrammers call reality).  When this happens little cult members will start to resist their programing.  Perhaps you can brainwash your kids extra hard.  Perhaps you can restrict his/her internet use or send them to boarding school but that is only going to DELAY the moment in their lives when they have to adjust to the reality of THEIR WORLD.  Not yours.

Look at the list one more time and decide to help out your little cult members.

Discredit the authority figure.  Let them know you are human and therefore flawed.

Present contradictory evidence.  Share your history with them, your big wins and failures.  Let them know that your values, perspective and beliefs about life are only your views.  Share it all not as gospel but more like Rod Serling from the Twilight Zone. “Consider if you will…”

Self-expression: Present your views this way and help them find their self-expression. Ask them how they feel about it all.

The breaking point: Perhaps you can help ease the breaking point moment when the reality of their world clashes with the family cult’s value.

Do this and the deprogramming can be something you go through together.  Or you can try and tighten the controls but I don’t like your chances.

 

The Paradox of Choice

“The more choices there are, the more you expect to find a perfect fit; yet, at the same time, the larger the array, the less likely it becomes that you picked the best item. You leave the store less confident in your choice, more likely to feel regret, and more likely to think about the options you didn’t choose.”

From Chip Heath, author   of Switch: How to Change Things When Change Is Hard

 

Good Day to you all, today’s sermon follows-up on last week’s sermon.  Be very clear, today’s sermon is a direct attempt to convince you to sat married and work on finding happiness in your existing marriage, no matter how stupid you think your spouse is.

Many of the parishioners approached me during the week to offer contradictory information about the likelihood of them remaining married.   Many of the parishioners claimed that their spouse was no longer attractive to them and they had clearly married the wrong person.

Fair enough but in the immortal words of Marge Gundeson, “Okay! But are ya sure? Cause I mean, how do you know?”

There’s a lot of research being done lately on this whole concept of happiness and one thing that is becoming abundantly clear is too many choices can leave you with a perpetual feeling of buyer’s remorse.

Stop coveting your neighbor’s wife or husband for a minute and think about this.  What if I grew up in a place in the world where it was 95% men (basically what if the world resembled a college keg party)?  What then?  How would I feel as I lived out my days as one of only a small handful of men that had a wife?

Hmmmm….I bet I would be pretty psyched. I might spend my whole life in a perpetual state of gratitude and this feeling would sustain me. This feeling would be so prevalent it would allow me to overlook imperfections or shortcomings in my wife because I would be consciously and unconsciously evaluating my lot in life based on the choices I had.  And this mental comparison process would always leave me with the feeling that I had had made the best choice given the options I had which in turn would generate feelings of gratitude and happiness which in turn would allow me to love my wife even if she wasn’t perfect.

But noooooooooooooo.  That is not the way we think about our spouses all the time, is it?  We often think about the other choices we could have made or about the ones we could make going forward.

As you can see by the quote at the beginning of the blog, the more choices we have the worse we feel because when the choices are many, no matter what we choose, when the novelty wears off AS IT ALWAYS DOES we think we could have  made a better choice.

Here is a true story that I am not very proud of but should help shed some light.   When Lynn and I were dating Lynn wanted to take it slowly.  I, being the obsessive, neurotic, stalker type, wanted to marry her immediately lest she discover what a fraud I was. As the dating thing dragged on I was living in a heightened state of vulnerability and neediness.  I was out of my comfort zone.

During this time, it just so happened that I became fixated on another woman who was showing me more of what my damaged brain needed to feel better IN THE MOMENT.  She was making it clear that I could have whatever I needed and there was absolutely NO RISK.  This other woman was feeding my ego with constant praise and admiration (ok, so she was a blind girl without a sense of smell but still…) and my brain was lapping it up.

This played out over several months until I became convinced that I actually loved this other woman. I fought it every day but it was like an alcoholic with a drink in front of him….eventually I broke down.  I took her out, did the song and dance and then consummated the night.  Here is the fascinating part.  Almost immediately the feelings of attraction I had for this woman vanished.  Not only was I not in love with her I was struck by how obvious it was that this whole thing had been about one thing…sex.

Now I know what you are thinking.  You are thinking, “Duh.” But in the days and weeks building up to the faithful night I really felt I was falling in love with this woman.   I didn’t see it as lust or neediness. My brain convinced me it was in love because my brain wanted a fix.    Remember, the most convincing way to lie to others is to lie to yourself first.

Enter the other woman. My brain simply convinced me that I was actually in love with this other woman because it was an easier, safer way to get love and affection.  It was a sure thing without risk.  Not a long term solution for happiness and growth but our brains don’t do well with the long term thinking.  They have come from hundreds of thousands of years of short term problem just trying to survive the day.  That’s it.  If you got to the end of the day you were a winner.

Look, it all worked out in the end.  Lynn dumped me and somehow I was still able to trick her down the road into marrying me (thank god for Chardonnay).  What I am getting at in all this is that we must be ever vigilant about how we see a situation because this will reinforce our feelings over time.

Looking at all the choices out there and then comparing it to your spouse is not going to make you feel better.  Even more obvious, if there is a certain someone whispering in your ear about how awesome you are it will almost certainly look like a better choice in the moment. But it might not be.  It might be a mirage and by the time you discover it is fool’s gold it could be too late.

I try and remind myself all the time why I am a very lucky man.   I know attractions and desires will come and go.  I know on any given day I could feel that same old pang of attraction to anyone. But these are simply short term solutions popping up to solve immediate needs.  These are not long term solutions to happiness.  Quite the opposite because if you act on the feelings they could bring you long term pain.

Here is one last thought.  I find the utmost joy, happiness and meaning in my marriage.  On the days I can transcend my own small view of the world and bask in the glow that is a long term love it is the very best of me.  It’s not every day that is for sure but when I am there it is like no other feeling I have ever had.   Because in that moment it is not about my selfish agenda, it’s not about my fears, insecurities and needs.  For those brief moments I am freed from that never ending sucker’s game and get to experience deep love for someone else. Lately I have been getting to feel it more and more and it’s a way better choice than a short term fix and if you can remind yourself of that every day you have a shot at it.

Life is a Bowl of Radishes

So I have had to push my blog deadline back from Friday to Sunday but I can live with that.    I actually worked 3 whole weeks in a row!   Seriously, I worked every day the last 3 weeks.  I haven’t done that since…..ok…I’ve never done that.  All this work has got me in a bit of somber mood and got me thinking about the most important thing in my life which is my family.   My Dad, who was a career guy, very successful in the business world but took 4 wives before he could figure out the personal side of things, asked me the other day, “It must feel good to be achieving (his favorite word) at such a high level.”  To which I replied, “Not really.”

The only achievement that feels worthwhile to me is a happy family.  A big part of the definition of a happy family is the husband and wife must demonstrate love for each other.   If you truly love each other and enjoy each other than you do things like:

• Talk to each other
• Listen to each other
• Do things together
• Have sex a couple of times a year
• Help each other out
• Divide the labor
• Appreciate each other
• Be nice to each other
• Make sacrifices for each other

You know, all the things you did when you were dating and/or first married.  This issue has really been percolating the last few weeks because of my crazy schedule.  The last few weeks I have been driving back and forth to places like Oakland, San Jose and Palo Alto with an occasional flight to Chicago or Ohio sprinkled in for good measure.   Additionally, I have been doing work that is new, high profile with lots of risk associated with it.  New work for me is very stressful since my mind, when challenged with new scenarios conjures up acute feelings of abject failure and total annihilation.

As you might guess, the net result of all this new work, busy schedule and a 24 hour beacon of anxiety playing inside my head is a less than loving husband and father at home.   My coping mechanism when home is to lie down in bed with a book, shut my door and speak to no one.

This got me thinking about divorce.

Not because I want a divorce but because if I had to work like this every week for the last 20 years I assure you I would be divorced by now.  Said another way, if I had to work like most people work I would be divorced by now.   I am sure Lynn won’t enjoy proof reading this column this week but I will standby this statement.

Today in this great nation of ours there is roughly a 50% rate of divorce and you can argue all manner of reasons for this divorce rate but after working three weeks straight and fighting commuter traffic and bozos on planes trying to stuff steamer trunks into overhead bins I am here to tell you the chances of remaining happily married while doing that for 40 years is harder than deciphering the new guidelines to Obama Care.

Consider this study.  Some behavioral scientist wanting to study the relationship between using will power and performance devised the following study.  He put 2 groups of people in a room with a bowl of chocolate chip cookies (fresh baked) and a bowl of radishes.  The two groups had to sit there for twenty minutes and one group could eat whatever they wanted (they ate the cookies) while the other group was told they could only eat the radishes.  After twenty minutes both groups were then given a few difficult brainteasers to try and solve and low and behold guess which group did better at the brain teasers?  The chocolate chip cookie eaters (Finally I study I Can get behind).The reason being is that using willpower burns energy and depletes your ability to perform.  The radish eaters had to burn energy to manage their quite natural desire to eat the cookies.  This in turn impacted their ability to perform a complex task that required effort.  As we know, you have to rest your willpower muscle.

Now lets’ apply this to your marriage.  Maybe the reason you are staring divorce in the face is not because you married the wrong person.  Maybe it’s not because men are wired to spread their seed and women are wired to nest.  Maybe it’s not because men are from Mars and women are from Venus.   Maybe it’s just because we are FREAKIN TIRED AND STRESSED.

I am sure most of you reading this think this might be obvious but let’s just go a little further with this.   Lets’ diagram a typical marriage, shall we?

You meet the person of your dreams and start to feel strong feelings of love.  Certain chemicals inside your brain are released and flood your body elevating your overall sense of wellbeing and happiness in an effort to have you bond with your potential mate and reproduce.   This chemical brain bath will remain elevated for roughly 4 years or just long enough for you to conceive a child, give birth and raise it till about the age of 3.

If you have a second child you get another chemical bump and with each child you receive another little pick-me-up.  Like any drug the effects are less and less powerful with each usage.  And eventually, most of us, stop having kids and those fun chemicals will recede entirely leaving you feeling emotionally exactly how you felt prior to meeting your spouse.

So even though it might have felt like meeting your future spouse was the answer to all you problems (because you were essentially on drugs) you now find yourself back where you started with all the same old feelings and insecurities and because it’s taken anywhere from 3 to 7 years to return to this state we naturally assume the problem lies within our marriage.

So here you are banging away at your day job, fighting stress, using every ounce of your willpower during the day to make sure you don’t give in to your natural impulses which could range from poisoning your boss to drinking bloody Mary’s for breakfast and then you come home looking for those fading feelings of love and connection with your spouse .

On top of all that we are getting all this nonsense about what true love looks like and how you can marry and live “Happily ever after, “ which leads us to believe our marriage is like a wind-up toy that once we wind it up it will run on its own without any additional work on our part.  Well, you can live happily ever after but like anything else if you want to be good at something it takes time and attention.  I say your marriage is, at times, is a complex task that often requires effort and because you are probably trying not to eat chocolate cookies all day at work (metaphorically speaking) there is not much left in the tank at the end of the day to take on difficult tasks. If you spend significant time and energy focusing on it, talk openly about it and understand as much as you can about the dynamics and contributing factors you stand a much better chance of having it work out well.

If, however, you focus all your time and energy on work and expect the good feelings of early marriage to persist you are headed for divorce court.   I am not naïve either, there is plenty of marriages where people should divorce and so forth but I believe a great many of them are simply the result of ignorance and environment.

I guess what I would like you to take form this article is the following.  If you are in a marriage that is struggling try and let go of the blame.  It may be your fault or your spouse’s fault but I doubt it.  I’m guessing you are both doing the best you can under the circumstances. It’s more likely the result of many, many unconscious dynamics and environmental factors that is setting you up for failure.

Take a breath and step back.   Give yourself some credit and take stock.  Maybe you have been looking at this all the wrong way.

Consider the following story.  Just recently I gave my dad an intense and thorough personality assessment (that’s what we do at my house) and when I reviewed his personality traits with him this is what I said to him as it related to the divorce between my mom and him, “Wow Dad, I know you thought leaving the marriage after 10 years was a failure but based on how you are wired and what you thought you knew at the time you hung in there way longer than I would have thought possible.  ” This also passes for compliments in my house.

If you still have hopes of staying married, it’s not too late to fix it but make sure you are looking in the right places for the problems.  After 3 weeks of real work I am amazed and in awe at how the rest of you do it.  Hang in there and give yourself a break.   Get some down time, eat a bowl of chocolate chip cookies and make some time on your calendar with you better half to try and dig a little deeper.  The person you loved is still in there and you can still be the person you always thought you would be.  It’s not too late.

Mental Yoga

This column is dedicated to my friend and yoga teacher extraordinaire, Marlene.  Marlene was kind enough to read and recommend my blog to her yoga students and she said my blog was “Yoga Like”.  Well, that was quite a compliment coming from such a disciplined and conscientious yoga practitioner and I was pretty sure that I was not very deserving of the accolade.  So I went online and looked up the definition of yoga and here is what I found

1. any of the methods or disciplines prescribed, esp. a series of postures and breathing exercises practiced to achieve control of the body and mind, tranquility, etc.

2. union of the self with the Supreme Being or ultimate principle.

Hmmmm.  Postures and breathing to achieve control of the body and mind, that seemed straight forward enough but it got me thinking (always a dicey proposition).   Yoga is a wonderful endeavor that helps people reach states of tranquility and balance both physically and mentally but how can we, the human race, take this yoga thing and use it every day outside the yoga studio?

Let’s break this down a bit more.  Yoga is a series of physical poses that helps the body stay flexible.  Along with that there is a rhythm to the breathing as you strike said poses that assist in the balanced, tranquil execution of the yoga poses. Put it all together and you can reach states of relaxation and tranquility.

But here is my beef, it’s the same problem I had attending church every Sunday as a kid.  We would all sit there in church and say “Peace be with you” and “Love thy neighbor” (although some took that last statement a touch too literally) and “Do one to others as you would have done unto self”.  Right?  All good stuff but then as soon as Mass ended you were almost trampled to death by people stampeding out of the church to get to their cars.  And God help us in the parking lot!  I guess the 10 Commandments never addressed driving courtesy because the same people who were hugging me in church minutes ago and saying “God bless you” are zooming around the parking lot hell bent on being the first one to get out of there.   What I’m getting at is that the church deal was great and all but not many people seemed to carry it out into their day to day lives.   .

So that got me thinking about Yoga the same way.  Yoga is a great practice but how can we carry this sense of peace and tranquility into our daily lives.  Physically the poses in yoga are meant to open ourselves up, relieve stress and tension in the body and allow us to become one with our Supreme Being or ultimate principle.  That’s what I want!  Now, I’m not arrogant enough to think that I can obtain union with a Supreme Being during this lifetime; I’ll leave that to better people.  But union with an ultimate principle?  That seems doable.  So, for example, if I say I’m all about doing what’s best for my family, that’s an ultimate principle.  If I claim to put the needs of my marriage before my own, that is an Ultimate Principle.  If I want to dedicate my life to loving my fellow man (easy out there prop 8 people, that’s not what this column is about) that’s certainly an ultimate principle.  Well then perhaps yoga can help me in the pursuit of my ultimate principle.

But we can’t very well strike the Happy Baby pose when arguing with our brain dead boss.  We can’t bust out the Downward Facing Dog when some burned-out flight attendant informs us that we have been bumped from our scheduled flight in a voice tone that says “I am more concerned about removing the lint from my snappy uniform then I am about you missing your flight home”.  And in the name of God, while driving, never attempt the One Legged King Pigeon in response to the dude who just bombed down the breakdown lane passing 30 cars only to cut-you off at the last minute to get to the toll booth.

No, no, no.  We can’t do that.  But we can do something else, we can do mental yoga!  Mental yoga as defined by me is the flexing of the mind, the stretching of your perspective so as to stay committed to your ultimate principle.  It’s a way of constantly bending and stretching the limited, selfish view of your own mind to keep it in shape as you pursue your ultimate principles.  Let’s take a real life example.

Scenario – I have just disembarked from a 7 hour flight from Newark airport and landed at SFO.  I had been training all day, caught the 6:30 flight out of Newark and am now in my car waiting to pay my parking ticket at SFO so I can head home.  Its 10:30 at night (1:30 PM east coast time if you are scoring at home).   I pull up to the ticket guy sitting in his booth and hand over my ticket.  He smiles and attempts to run the ticket through the computer.  ERROR.  He informs me in broken English that there is something wrong with my ticket and he needs to call someone to clear it up.  Fine.  I wait.  There is a spirited and lengthy discussion now taking place on the phone between the ticket booth guy and someone on the other end.  All the while the ticket booth guy keeps looking nervously at me.  It’s now 10:40, I’ve been sitting here 10 minutes.  He hangs up the phone and attempts to follow the instructions from whoever was on the phone.  He performs a series of movements with the ticket and the computer all the while smiling nervously.  He is now sweating.  It’s not working.  He again apologizes and picks up the phone.  It’s 10:45 and I have been sitting there 15 minutes.

Let’s just think about this a minute.  I hold, as an ultimate principle, that we should be kind to each other.  I mean, we’re all in this together, right?  But right now, at this moment, sitting at SFO at 10:45 I am tired, I know I have to get up tomorrow and work and this man, this incompetent man is standing in my way of getting home.  This is all wasted time all because this guy can’t do his job.  Tick, tick, tick the time bomb in my head is about to explode!

MENTAL YOGA TIME.

Wait, what was my ultimate principle?  Kindness?  Treat others as you want to be treated?  How can I calm myself down and remain in alignment with my ultimate principle?  Should I get out of the car and drop into Child’s Pose?  That might alarm my ticket booth friend plus there’s a good chance I’ll get an oil stain on my suit.  No.  Instead I will attempt some mental yoga.  I’m going to stretch my limited, selfish view of the world in an attempt to stay focused and aligned with one of my ultimate principles – kindness to my fellow man.  Let’s take this entire scenario from the ticket guy’s point of view.

“Its 10:30 at night at SFO, I’m sitting in a phone booth where I have been for the last 7 hours.  I have 30 minutes left and then I can go home to my family.  I have perhaps the worst job in the world but with the economy the way it is there are no better prospects out there and I’m doing what I need to do for my family.   Here comes a guy in a suit who looks fed-up with the world.  There’s something wrong with his ticket, the computer can’t read it.  I am not authorized to override it and have to call my supervisor.  This is going to take awhile.  This guy’s going to freak.  I hate my job.  The only time anyone ever speaks to me is if they are angry.  My supervisor’s advice is not working.  I can’t believe this is taking so long.  This guys going to blow a gasket.  I hate my job…”

You get the picture?   I’m not making this up.  It took 35 minutes to clear up the ticket issue and I still don’t know what the problem was.  But as I began performing my mental yoga I became calm.  I empathized with the guy.  Whatever was wrong seemed to be beyond his control.  Me getting angry certainly wasn’t going to speed up the process.  So I sat there, smiled a lot and kept saying to him, “No worries.”  For the record, I’m no saint and I could list countless incidents where I blasted some innocent bystander or acted in my own self-interest.  And although I drop fancy phrases like “ultimate principle”, I’m not walking around every day like the Dali Lama.  On any given day my ultimate principle might be reduced to “Get a cheeseburger” or “Steal my neighbor’s paper cause mine didn’t come” and I spend more time passing judgment on others than Judge Wapner during ratings week.  It just so happens that on this particular day, at this particular moment I was able to rise above my own selfish agenda (must have been the jet lag and 6 jack and cokes I drank on the plane).

 

Well, the end result was it took 35 minutes to get my ticket punched but I stayed calm and smiling the whole time. The ticket dude probably still thinks I was on drugs.  He kept looking at me warily the entire time.  Even though I was smiling and relaxed he was sure I would blow at any minute.  When I drove away with a smiling, “Have a nice night” he was still waiting for the gunshots, I’m sure.  But I felt great!  I felt like I had just done a yoga class.  I felt calm, peaceful and connected.

Mental yoga can work.  Try it.  Don’t expect anyone else to notice or even care, it’s not about that.  It’s about keeping your mind flexible and focused on the Big Picture.  What is your Ultimate Principle?  When you can stay focused on that, when you transcend your selfish views for an agenda that is bigger than you, you will feel like I do when I step out of Marlene’s class.  Reenergized, peaceful and connected to the ultimate principle, but hopefully you won’t be as sore.

Namaste.